无题（1）

昨晚K又烦到不自觉地流泪，
为了学生，为了感情，为了未来。

S叫她要聆听圣灵的声音，
可是她不知道哪个声音才是圣灵的声音，
哪个声音才是自己心灵深处的声音。

不过，不管是圣灵的声音也好，
自己心灵深处的声音的声音也好，
她都应该聆听这两个声音，对吗？

谁来安慰她这颗无比脆弱的心灵呢？
唯有祂，唯有祂，唯有祂。

Who should one marries?

Why do some people find it difficult to cross over from courtship to marriage,
while others can't wait to cross over from courtship to marriage because of their age.
I think I belong to the group of minority of woman in their 30s who are not eager to move over from courtship to marriage, for whatever reasons, I'm still thinking about it.

Somebody told me that you should marry someone you can't live without, but you should not marry someone you can live with.
Without thinking, I know that he is someone I can live with, but the irony is also he is someone I can live without.
But as I ask my own heart, I begin to realise why I have made this choice in choosing a man.
I don't want to live in heartache, agony & pain one day if he's not around anymore, or our relationship doesn't work out because of some reasons.
I've heard of too many stories & experienced too much heartaches in the past that I would never have the courage to follow my own heart & chase what I want now.
I think I'm really quite a selfish person with regards to love actually.
I don't know whether he knows how my heart is feeling right now?
To him, am I also someone he can live with, but also someone he can live without.
But I guess for a guy, its a totally different issue afterall.

As I read back the entries written in my blog few months ago,
I realised that many months ago, I have actually lifted up all these issues onto god's altar and I actually prayed for something.
But now I'm so afraid that my prayers are slowly being answered, or are they not?
I wonder......Should I marry him? I'm already 32......I'm going through what E is going through few months ago......Oh god, please help me......

My teenage years

Just watch the movie "teenage textbook movie" & suddenly all those memories came back to me. My teenage years was like more than 15 years ago & everything seems so far away & seeing it through a veil. The memories are both bittersweet & heart-wrenching. Those years of innocence, shyness, fast-pace heartbeat & also fear, withdrawal, & sinking into sadness & depression. But I agree, love now will never be as pure & innocent as back then.

I could never forget how my fear of love & heart-break drove him away from my life after 1 week of orientation & fun & 3 months of being in the same school. I could never remember his name & how he looks like now, but I could still remember the long chats, long nights in school & long bus ride home. It was the 1st time somebody sent me home for my whole life. But I eventually turned a cold shoulder to our friendship because of my fear of falling in love & thus the possibility of a heart-break. My biggest fear then was actually falling in love & losing control of my own emotions & not being able to do any other things. Another biggest fear was also the possibility of a heart-break because I knew I was too young then. From then on, I keep the longest distance from guys & never believe in platonic friendship anymore for the rest of my teenage years.

Love back then was something that occurs only in my imagination & dream. I treasure it only in the various literary works that I wrote & the dreams that I dream. I never wanted it to become a reality because I don't believe I could ever find such love in real life. I wonders whether my growing up years have made me become what I am today & whether certain view of love still affect me sub-consciously as an adult today......

人生从几岁开始???

看了TTB之后，
我一直在思索这个问题。
虽然童年是快乐，无忧无虑的，
不过我觉得我的人生不是从童年的时候开始的。

童年的我从一个外向、天不怕，地不怕的女孩，
变成一个非常文静、内向的女孩，
而主要原因就是母亲在同班同学面前的一次“羞辱”。
本来应该令人感到兴奋、愉快的生日，
竟然变成一次归还礼物的“羞辱”。
现在回想起来，我才知道当时的我的小小心灵，
是受到多么大的创伤。

人生也不是从青少年时期开始的。
青少年时期的我是多么地“缺乏”，
不管是物质上的，精神上的或外表上的。
这种种的“缺乏”使我变得非常自卑，没有信心，
只懂得逃入只属于自己的世界，
根本不敢和任何人建立任何深厚的感情。

我想人生应该是从大学时期慢慢开始的。
一只被困在鸟笼里的鸟终于挣脱了所有的捆绑，
获得了令人心醉的自由自在的生活。
我开始学会与人分享心情，建立关系，
体会到了心与心碰撞的感觉。
不过曝晒在阳光底下的这颗心也开始体会到世间的冷暖。

我觉得我的人生是从获得经济自由后才真正开始的。
形象的改变，生活的体验，使我重拾了对人生的信心。
经历了越多，享受了越多，使我对人生不再有惧怕。
而我的人生从现在才真正开始变得更精彩，
因为有神在我生命中，有神的允许在我生命中。

哭泣

K昨晚痛快地抽搐了好一阵子，
直到整颗心完全平静下来为止。
她已经忽略她的这颗心好一阵子了，
甚至完全不听她的话，
因为怕一碰触这颗心，
所有的历史将会重演，
所有的围墙将会倒下。

其实经过的时间越久，
想离开的决心越脆弱。
她已经这把年纪了，
心中的惧怕是何等的多啊。

她一直处在被动的位置，
从来都不需要付出她的心，
可是他一直都不了解这一点。

她把她的心保护得太好了，
只用头脑去谈着这场恋爱，
而心灵却在和别人谈着精神的恋爱。

她并不想改变什么，
也不想追求什么，
只是当心灵、精神与肉体是分开时，
她唯有在夜里哭泣，继续欺骗自己的心。

她不想踏入婚姻里，也不想和他生下任何孩子。
不过她也不想因此伤害他，
在他还需要她的时候离开或伤害他。

不过，她也是矛盾和惧怕的，
除了他以外，还能够，还会有其他的人吗？
两年了，两年了，女人如果20几岁时碰不到好男人，
那么30几岁时就很难和好男人结婚了。

她是在29岁时认识他的，在她进入30岁之前，
在她正想抱着独身主义时，
在她过着非常舒适、自由的单身日子时，
在她正想去追求她的梦想的时候。

她不想因为他而错过真正对的人，
她也不想因为自己不稳定的心，
而错过他这个可能是对的人。

心乱如麻，沉重的心，心与头脑的战争

从题目，可知B开始语无伦次了。
有时候知道得越多，却反而越沉默，
越不知所措，越要装傻，
越难伸出援手。
有些事情并不如我们所见，
有些人并不如表面所呈现的。
这是个很难分辨黑白的世界，
这是个灰色的世界。
一个使他心乱如麻，
一个使他心情沉重，
一个使他不知如何做出选择。
乱乱乱，
烦烦烦。

Threats And Warnings

How many warnings & threats would you face in your whole life?
I feel that one always faced threats in work-place,
but faced warnings in your own personal life.

Warnings are an expression of love; threats are an expression of control.

Pursuit of Excellence

Is the pursuit of excellence so important?
Sometimes I wonder......

What is the cost you are willing to pay to be the best among the crops?
Sometimes I wonder......

If you do not reach the standard that other people set for you,
does it mean you are not good at all?
Sometimes I wonder......

If you do not get an A or A* in your exam,
does it mean you are not good at all or you just failed to perform on that day?
Sometimes I wonder......

The environment is already so stressful enough,
there is really no need to stress about 100% passing rate
or 100% A & A* again & again.
Even if there is no target set for us,
teaching is always a 良心的工作 for me.
I would always try to put in my best for them,
but also taking into account their mental, emotional & physical well-being.

I really don't want to see another one of them threatening to jump off from somewhere,
or leaving home & not coming back to school again.
请为孩子们留下一片广阔的蓝天，
一次的考试不代表世界的终结，末日的到来。

(dedicated to all comperes working hard to reach the target.)

Of love & friendship

Although valentine's day is such a "commercialized" event nowadays, but I still feel very happy & excited on this day. It actually makes me feel how great it is to be loved by someone & to receive beautiful flowers & soft toy on this day.

I still remember on our 1st valentine day, I received a big bouquet of sunflower because it was what I wanted. On our 2nd valentine day, I received a big bouquet of red roses with 2 cute bears that said "muck, I love you" when they kissed each other. On valentine's day this year, I requested a watch as I find flowers not very practical. But in the end, I still got a watch, & a cute little pooh bear with 3 red roses attached. The bear & flowers were sent to my school, & every year, the school clerk would be busy going around delivering the flowers to respective teachers on valentine's day. It really shows how flowers are still the best gifts to touch a woman's heart, although some would prefer diamonds & crystals.

I crack my brain to think of a restaurant which is quiet & romantic & where not many people would go. In the end, I still choose back "coffee showcase" at katong there as not many people would know of that place. It was a great choice as the place is convenient for me, the food is value-for-money(but the chicken skin was terribly salty today & cannot be eaten), the ambience is great, & most importantly, there was no crowd. It had been a long time since we had private time for ourselves. ;)

As I "indulge" myself in this romantic atmosphere, I also started to drift off & started to think about friendship on this friendship day. For me, love & friendship are actually more important than kinship as I had never been close with my family emotionally, mentally & spiritually. Friends have always played an important part in my life in my past 29 years of single-hood. After I got attached, friends are also as important as my bf as they still fulfilled my emotional & mental needs sometimes. But nowadays, I find that I do not hold on to friendship as tightly as last time because I find that friends do actually drift apart sometimes & other new friends will come into your life to fill up their places. But nevertheless, I am thankful for all the friends I meet along my life's journey & for the support & company we provided each other.

As I rise up to become a cgc, I don't know whether I'm able to build & maintain friendship with my fellow members. Somehow, I find that everything needs time & I don't know whether we will break through each other's facade & get into each other's life, heart & mind. J seems so elusive, & V seems so cold & melancholic. Although they are just a phone call away, but I just strongly feel that conversing via the phone is not my way of building friendship. I just wish that god will show me a way. This is really a challenge to me. But I'm really thankful that god has brought me to E260. Because now, I have finally found true friends who are believers. I used to wonder why all my close friends are actually non-believers. But now I know why. It will be much more easier for me to reach out to those wondering souls out there in this "sinful" world.

Once again, happy valentine's day to all those lonely souls out there. I know how you feel as I have maintained my single-hood for 29 years. Just believe that one day, you will find your valentine too as age really doesn't matter as long as you wait patiently for him/her to appear.

A timely message

As valentine day draws near, the sermon heard at church last sunday really touches everybody's heart in one way or another .

I have read the whole book of Genesis before but have never really remembered this story or put much meaning into it. The story of the sermon is taken from Genesis 38 & its about Judah & Tamar. Go read it if you have time. http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/
?search=genesis%2038;&version=31;

Yes, I find that women are really much stronger than man emotionally & mentally. If men do not take responsibility or do not want to lead, women will be forced into desperation & will be able to do all sorts of things. But by then, it will really be a very sad situation, a situation where there is no road for turning back & no way for redemption.

As I look at F's marriage, I really feel sad for her. Although she can earn lots & lots of money, she can't find true happiness in other areas of her life. Which woman will want to support a husband who is so "weak" & does not want to stand up? Which woman will want to be more capable & successful than her man? Yes, if given a choice, woman will still want the man to be the leader & to provide support to her, not lean entirely on her. J, what's the use of going to church every weekend, praying, etc. when you don't do anything to change your own life & foolishly believe miracles will happen.

As valentine day draws near, let us reflect on the true meaning of love & marriage.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

师难－彭飞

今时今日，为师真难。旧日人们常以“家贫无奈做先生”慨叹执教鞭的辛酸，如今当老师虽已衣食无忧，甚至丰足有余，但接踵而来的却是另一种屡遭践踏、郁闷难伸的苦楚。

　 　不久前报章报道：有位中四学生在上课时听MP3播放机，老师当场加以没收，该学生指着老师鼻子质问，用粗活辱骂她。该学生索回播放机不果，便强抢过老师 的手提袋翻找，粗话连连。四天后，老师据情报案，学生被控上法庭。近日该学生在法庭认罪时，法官要他写信给老师，训示他：

　　“你应该在信中诚心诚意向老师道歉。她是你的老师，你应该尊重老师。你写给老师的信，必须真心，不能只是两三行字。你应该在信中解释为何那么做，犯了什么错。除了道歉，你也应该告诉老师，你要怎么改过。”

　　有老师读了此则报道，即刻剪下新闻传阅，还设置作业让学生写读后感。看着摆放桌上这篇影印剪报，毫无兴奋，只有种让人在公共场合狠狠刮上两记耳光的感觉。这年头，老师不仅难为，而且确实有难，轻易遭难，维护师道的最后防线竟是法庭。

　　四五十岁一代人教育过程中，几人没遭受父母师长鞭打而受教？当年读书时，不仅迟到逃学要鞭子伺候，测验不及格还得按及格分数计打，鞭得双手红肿仍只能自怨自艾，怪自己不争气不长进，几乎从未听闻对师长恶言相向。

　 　不过，严师年代毕竟已成为历史，我们自诩告别了贫困、愚昧与蛮横，要同第一世界争锋，事事讲求优雅，诉之文明。教育是塑造国民性前哨站，因此学校得放下 鞭子，推崇“爱的教育”，努力实现“一个都不能少”的教育理念。学生永远是个孩子，一个孩子能有多坏，教育工作者只要能付出爱心与关怀，顽石都能点头。君 不见媒体上经常有浪子回头还成材的经典报道，既宽慰了家有劣子的父母，也给校长老师当头棒喝――世界上没有不受教的学生，只有拒绝付出的老师！

　　这是新世纪老师身上背负的原罪，孺子牛架着沉重的轭，艰难地垦着教育的田。

　 　2008年伊始，中国教育界发生“杨帆门事件”，引发重大论争。北京政法大学杨帆教授由于逃课学生太多，下令关上教室大门，门外学生不服而踢门，杨教授 还因此同班上女生发生言语与肢体冲突。公众对此事件的反应是两个极端，有人猛批学生不尊师重道，学风荡然无存；有人则力挺学生，抨击教授的野蛮与专制。

　 　有个学生在网上贴了一则留言说：“老师你凭什么育人啊？一破教书匠你又凭什么来教育学生呢；我交钱了，教室就是我的地盘，我想怎样就怎样，谁也没有权力 管我，男老师碰我就是殴打学生，女老师碰我就是性骚扰我！”另有老师就此发表“逃课，是学生的自由”宣言，石破天惊地宣称他的课绝对自由解放，学生可以 “带零食来吃”、“可以睡觉”；学生可以“自由进出，可以随时退席，可以逃课，不需请假”。

万世师表孔圣人诞生地如此公然践踏师道，相对之下，我们老师受委屈而由法官代行师职，法庭上指导犯错学生写好一封悔过书，聊胜于无。况且尊师重道早隶属封建残余思想，今人推崇“吾爱吾师，但吾更爱真理”，而真理的诠释权则由“市场”掌控，由新人类拍板。

　　古代以色列流传着这样一个故事：犹太王子到一个城镇视察，要见一见该城的守卫者。人们急忙把城中的官员和护卫人员带到他面前，而他却摇摇头说：“我想见的既不是市长，也不是士兵，而是学校的教师，只有他们才是城市的真正守护者。”

　　这是一则很古老很古老的传说，特此献给所有老师，我们或许无力捍卫摇摇欲坠的师道，且伫立城门上，看历史如何为这座城市记下一笔。

(Very interesting. Can I sue my students too?)

An eventful 4 days of CNY.

The four days of CNY flew by quickly,
but I enjoyed myself tremendously.
I used up all my time & energy to meet up with friends,
fellowship with believers,
& also to add nutrition to my heart, soul & mind.
How I wish that one day, the workweek will be change to 4 days & 3 days of weekends.
In this way, we will have more time for those people who really matters most in our life.

I had reunion dinner with my family at bliss garden on CNY's eve.
The food was quite nice & little yang & cousins add joyfulness to the whole event.
Although our hearts are still not close to each other,
the effort made to stay together was enough, I guess.
It was also a surprise that P & her family were just sitting beside us,
and it was quite fun getting to know each other's family.
CNY is always a joyful event & an excuse to stay out & stay up late.
Hence, after reunion dinner, C & I went to watch movie with E260 members.
Although the movie was not my choice of movie,
I look forward to the time spent with fellow members.
That night, I retire at 4am, but was still able to wake up at around 11am the next day.

I had a sumptuous lunch of steamboat, curry, etc. on the 1st day of CNY.
All my relatives came to my grandmother's house, so there was no need for me to go out.
I just laze around at home, watching tv & drama series.
In the evening, I had dinner at C's house & then went to S's house for visitation.
It had been ages since I last saw S's sister & they hadn't change much.
I have always been very close with S, & always feel very comfortable with her family.
I really feel grateful that we can still maintain such close contact after she has her own family.

The 2nd day of CNY was a day of free museum entrance & feeding of food to my heart & soul.
Its really great that we don't have to pay to view all the exhibitions in SAM & National Museum.
We went to view all the exhibitions in SAM & the greek exhibition & history gallery in National Musum.
I find that I still love paintings more than sculptures & "stones" actually.
If I have time, I can spend the whole day sitting in front of paintings that I like, & just let my thoughts & soul drift away with the painting & enter into a world far far away from the real world. I may even meet the painter in a surreal world......haha.....
Of course, I still like the greek exhibition, but I couldn't really enjoy with so many people crowding around me.
I love greek history & if I have time, I will read up on it one day & go to greece itself one day.
In the evening, I arrange a cell CNY gathering at my house & I'm quite surprised so many people turn up.
But building of friendship takes time & effort. So I really pray that I will continue to have passion in people & really takes an interest in their life & be part of their life.

On the 3rd day of CNY, I transported myself to the world of korean drama,
finding it hard to get out & go to Su's house alone.
But nevertheless, I feel that it may be a great chance to get to know Su & her family.
Everything turned out great as I chat with Su, her relatives & father, & also played bridge with her nephews, uncles & aunties.
What a happy & united extended family she has.
But somehow, being too fortunate may be her barrier to having a need & desire for god.
In the evening, I went to C's house again to have dinner as her mother cooks specially for me.
After that, Su & I went to S's house again & we have fun playing poker card.
I realised that Su really has a good heart as she doesn't feel happy winning more that 10 bucks as she said that if she wins, her friends are actually the one who loses & will not be happy.

It was church as usual on the 4th day of CNY.
Pastor preach a very good message which I feel really impacted everyone in different ways.
I was actually feeling angry and disappointed with C. I don't know when this vicious cycle of disappointment & expectation will end.
But somehow I still feel bad after having such feelings and thought towards him. I don't know whether the problem lies with my emotions or his behaviour.
Hence, after church, I refuse to join him & his friends & went to Simpang bedok hawker centre to eat with fellow members instead.
Luckily, the delicious & fragrant ayam penyet washes away my anger & disappointment.
After that, I had wanted to go home to do my own things & spend time with myself,
but Sa asks me to join her friends for ktv unexpectedly.
This leads to an afternoon of listening to someone sing mainly Zhang's songs.

All well's that ends well. I met up with C & his frens V & J after ktv.
I had a great time knowing about branded stuff like prada, LV, Gucci, Coach, etc. from V although I would never buy such stuff even now that I could afford it.
V has become more & more good-looking & stylish, but it has also become more & more difficult for him to find his significant other half, soul-mate, etc.
I trash out some of my frustration with C & I really pray that I will have the heart & desire to get married & settled down although until now I still have doubt whether he's the one.
Yah, nobody can tell me whether he's the one. Nobody, nobody, nobody......
That's a woman's heart, like a needle in the sea, lost in the deep abyss.

4 days of intense fun & enjoyment. Now I'm feeling feverish, tired, limbs aching, & a bit giddy.
I guess that I'm falling sick......But I guess that after eating the medicine, I will feel much better.

A burdened heart 加一颗受伤的心

As I rise up to become a CGC,
& as I began to play a part in other believer's life,
I start to realise that not many people are as happy, as fortunate & as lucky as they seems.
I also start to question why, how they can live their life in long suffering, falling into deep deep valley & climbing out of it again.
I have never fall so hard before, & I don't want to fall so hard.
But I feel so saddened by their dramatic life & sometimes I do question how much can god help them.
But nevertheless, we must still believe that even if prayers are not answered, there is a purpose in every misfortune, & god has a different plan for everyone.
C'est La Vie.

为什么我突然很想哭，也觉得好脆弱？
我的整颗心好像被扭曲着，
快要窒息了。
那件事虽然是我的错，是我的健忘与好意造成的错，
不过你也不必这么斤斤计较，事事追究。
我真的很想报复，不再管你的孩子，
让他自生自灭。
我真的好想报复，因为我明年也许不在这里了。
你们的成绩与品格，都不关我的事了。

在农历新年将近的日子，
我一点也不开心，一点也不期待。
如果时间可以停留，
我好想停留在求学的日子。
虽然那时有点穷，虽然那时也有读书的压力，
但是我的心也不会这样一次又一次地被伤害与糟蹋。
我好难过，好难过，好难过。。。。。。

Living among men & living with god in my heart.

"Living for God’s approval is better than living for man’s applause."
This is yesterday's ODB message for me.
But sometimes, I really wonder whether god approve of what I am doing everyday & what I am doing right now. I really don't know.
But as I get more confused, more busy & more burdened in my heart, I can only learn to pray more & lean more on him......