阿信的天空

因为OMY所举办的博客奖让我认识也阅读了好多各种设计与题材的博客。其中我最喜欢的当然是阿信的博客。他所写的文章像一首首感性的诗、像一首首悦耳动听的歌。我沉浸在他广阔无边、风景绮丽的思想世界与图像世界里头。

有才华与样貌的艺人才能够成为我这种年纪的人的偶像。毕竟单靠外表是骗不了，也吸引不了我们这种人了。我希望每年都能够找到一个人陪我去看五月天的演唱会，只因为阿信的才华与音乐。

The joy of having children? I wonder......

l
My niece "fat mei mei", Shixuan, Isabelle.


My nephew Yang Yang, Jonathan & her new-born sister(1st photo).

Raising the birth rate in S country has become a national issue again & everybody is talking about it. But this is not something so simple as it involves finding love & marriage for those "unfortunate" busy singles, the rising cost of living in S country, & the crazy work-life in this crazy society. All these are not changeable by a helpless human being & individual like us.

But I'm really quite amused that having children can be a national issue. However, they can implement whatever measures they want, but the citizens will just treat it as an after coffee talk & not do anything to support these measures. Its our own life ok, & the 1st person you need to influence to make her change her mind about having children is me.

Sometimes, I do feel bad about making this internal vow about not having children & I wonder what will happen if I really want a child next time. As a christian, I should not be thinking this way because children are actually blessings from god & in the past, god punishes women by making them barren.

Of course I know what the joys of having children are. I currently have 3 cute nephews & nieces & two of them are being looked after my mum currently. I have been carrying them, playing with them, reading to them since 4 years ago when my nephew was born. They are really an added joy to my daily routine & hectic worklife. However, all these are only limited to spending time with them & loving them. I really don't have the ability & responsibility of looking after them for their wholelife, & I'm glad they still have their parents.

I don't know why, but as I stay longer in this profession, my desire of having children keeps plunging, plunging, plunging. And sad to say, I don't have much desire in the 1st place. I just find the opportunity costs & sacrifices too high for me to bear. I also find it very sad to bring them into this future society & this future world.

不孝有三，无后为大。I don't really agree with this anymore. Sometimes the burden of looking after the child & raising the child has been shifted to the older parents who do not even have a chance to enjoy their freedom in old age. It is also physically tiring looking after a kid. Hence, I find that giving birth & asking parents to look after can be deem more unfilial.

Of course, whenever I look at the cute photos above, I am also really afraid that I will regret & not be able to turn back the clock in future. But I believe if I continue to love myself & love others & find meaning in life, I won't regret this decision afterall......

未来的道路

刚从大学毕业后，众人的问题是：“你想要做什么？你的工钱多少？”

找到一份稳定的工作后，众人的问题是：“你有没有男朋友？他是做什么的？他的工钱多少？”

若过了几年还未找到男朋友，众人的问题是：“你要不要我帮你介绍？女人应该找个伴，不应该孤身一人。”

过了几年，当你找到一个男朋友后，众人的问题是：“你们几时要结婚？你的年龄不小了，不要再蹉跎岁月了。”

再过了几年，当你终于安下心来，步入婚姻这座殿堂后，众人的问题是：“你们几时要生孩子？一段婚姻没有孩子毕竟是不完整的。”

我就是不想循着众人的道路去走。难道女人一定要有男人才能够变得完整？难道不结婚的话，两个人的感情就会有变卦，就会转淡吗？难道没有孩子的话，婚姻就不能够幸福美满吗？我不讨厌小孩，但我就是觉得养育一个孩子没有什么乐趣可言，因为人生中还有许多其他有意义的事可以去做。

我就是想与众人不同，我就是想照着自己的想法去做。

现在的屋价不断飙升，已经到了我无法接受的阶段，所以我唯有等、等、等。

现在的物价不断飙升，薪水却没增加，而C却在这年头转换工作，从“零”开始，而我却要他有一天能够“追”上我，所以我唯有等、等、等。

老实说，这等待的过程真的很辛苦，很彷徨。有很多时候，我常常觉得灰心丧胆、感觉无力。我真的不知神要我等到什么时候。世界上的奇迹不多，但我多么希望C是其中一个被神筛选的，去彰显他的大能的平凡人类。

我的未来还有50年吧，如果人生没意外的话。我们能一起走下去吗？

Aerin's-Dessert to die for

Bangers & Mash


Warm Chocolate pudding


Apple Pie

Saturday evening, with C still in Malaysia, I arranged a last minute gathering with YS & HX as only both of them are able to make it last minute.

I had intended to go purvis street to try the thai food at first, but in the end, we choose to have dinner at basement of raffles city as it is more convenient & I prefer to have dinner at a more cozy, cooling & romantic place tonight.

Aerin's is a restuarant with very nice architectural design, a water fountain in the center of the resturant & very nice ambience & candle-light. Its a long time since I indulge myself in western food & desserts. I still love eating western food once in a while, & will never get tired of western dessert. HX & YS ordered the signature dish "fish & chips", while I ordered "bangers & mash"(one of my favourite dish of all time). We chatted & eat the main course for nearly 2 hours before we decided to order the dessert. The apple pie is one of the "must try" dessert, but I prefer the warm chocolate pudding with the ice-cream on top. The filling of the apple pie is a bit too sour for me & I don't like it.

The cost of the dinner came up to nearly S$30 per person. Not too x & not too cheap. But I guess I will not try it as often as coffee club which is abit cheaper & have the best dessert & drinks in Singapore too. And also not forgetting to mention "coffee showcase" in katong area.

Desserts & chocolate, the way to a woman's heart & soul, the way to calm a woman's heart & soul......

Controversial views on CHC & NCC

While I was searching on the new album from CHC, I found many forums & blogs on the internet "discussing" about the various mega-churches in Singapore. However, I just feel that everybody is subject to their own views, but nevertheless must be responsible for whatever they said in the future.

Some things may not be what other people say, what you hear from others, or what you see on the surface. Hence, you must experience it yourself & made your own judgment.

There is a particular blog that offers more objective views on this issue of mega-churches & also many theological view on christianity. I have yet to finish reading all the entries on this blog. Would like to share with all my friends out there. http://www.stillhaventfound.org/

Somehow I feel the existence of all these blogs can be a double-edged sword. When you blog in this virtual world, what you say or do is not a secret anymore.

没有KPI - 丹女

她终于告别努力了3年的工作，正式进入没有KPI的日子。在政府部门，KPI真是让人头疼的东西。Key Performance Index，用于测量各个部门在不同方面的表现。其实，她在上班的时候，也不是真的有什么KPI，或许说有，但她总是认为我就专心做好该做的，KPI 达到就达到，达不到就达不到，难道杀头吗？

　　她也看到许多人为了KPI而烦恼，为了KPI绞尽脑汁。你可以想象，已经忙得半条命了，还得一群人花时间开会讨论该如何达到KPI，而且经常想出来的办法，无非是对数字作一些揉捏，请问这样的工作到底有什么意义？被KPI牵着鼻子走的工作人生到底有什么乐趣？

　 　她就经常认为：KPI这东西最多适合衡量那些销售、赞助等与财务有关的作业。像今年的赞助额达到多少，今年的销售量有多高等等。就算是这样的数额也会达 到饱和点，不可能只升不降。KPI的问题就是，它永远要你比过去的数额高。或许说，个人永远会为了私己的利益，而要求它比去年高，不然怎么升值加薪，怎么 向老板交待？因此有些时候，与其花时间解释为什么数额不比去年高，不如在数字方面做一些适度的调整。这当然使得数字失去了它的意义和作用，沦为个人或机构 的工具罢了。而像教育、艺术这种十年树木、百年树人的工作，又岂能用数字来衡量？

　　作为博物馆，如果要门庭若市，很简单。只要搞一些大家 都喜欢看的表演、舞会、夜间活动、明星艺人、免费礼品，馆内的参观人数探测器肯定便会忙不过来。但是这样年年增加的数字真的代表了什么吗？关心历史文化的 人多了？参观画展的人多了？对东南亚艺术有兴趣的人多了？理解新加坡和亚洲文化的人多了？就未必吧。不是说这些活动不好，她也喜欢HIP、HIP的博物 馆，但如果要用数字来代表什么，来显示问题又是两回事。所以，数字在这里实在是用来装潢罢了，用来点缀罢了。

　　她的朋友是教师。不久前随 团到北欧学校参观学习，说是想了解当地如何鼓励创意，让北欧的发明、设计等走在时代尖端。朋友说：一群校长老师们在学习汇报时，都表示欣赏北欧学习制度的 自由，让学生在没有沉重压力的情况下，没有歧视并容许失败的环境里成长。但话音一转，又来批评北欧的学校没有KPI，不够制度化……朋友说，她当时就认 为，为什么大家把事情分开来讲，难道没有发现，北欧的创意风气不是教出来的吗？难道没有发现这样的环境其实不可能只局限于学校里面，而必须有整个政府、社 会、家庭、个人的贯彻吗？怎么可能学校的老师都被制度、教条、KPI绑在那里，学生却可以自由自在地发展呢？

　　她问朋友：“你提出你的看法了吗？”朋友说：“没有，因为大家都是那么批评的。所以我也不好说。”

　 　她想：往往都是这样。一个制度跑久了，就成了有生命的怪兽机器。这个怪兽机器不管你怎么样要改变它里面的哪一个机件，它都已经是环环相扣，每一个机件互 相依赖的怪兽机器了。它只能往那个注定的方向跑，如果你照顾它，它可以跑得久一些。但如果你要放弃这个原有的方向，与其改装这个机器，或许你就得考虑毁掉 这个怪兽了……

(I am also being tied down in C3's, S & the whole society's terrible systematic process. A free-spirited soul, being captured by the system monster, imprisoned for 32 years already. When will this soul finally be free......????)

The other boleyn girl

I have been watching quite many drama series, movies on almost every weekday night for the past few months(stubbornly refusing to mark the worksheets & compositions that I brought home). I think I prefer watching shows in the comfort of my home, & according to my own speed, rather than spending $10 to watch it in the cinema.

I have come to realize that I watch shows for the story-line, for the thought-provoking, heart-warming, & spiritually lifting feeling & also for relaxation & entertainment. As such, there is really not much difference whether I watch it on a big big screen in the cinema or watch it on my small screen at home.

I have been wanting to write about the above show after I came back from taiwan in June. I managed to catch half of this movie on the plane back from taipei, & the other half on the internet(managed to find it on my favourite movie website).

After various searches on this show on the internet, I find that it did not have quite a good review. But I like it nevertheless. Its really quite a sad show with a tragic ending. All those love, hatred, unscrupulous fighting only results in death & loneliness for those still living.

I love the drama, I love the costumes, I love the "wildness", I love the different kinds of feelings portrayed in this show.

And in the end, I learn that those who fight for power, fight for position, covets for more money & affection are only falling into a deep, bottomless abyss that they cannot get out of.

And the morale of the story is that when you live according to your heart, when you are true to yourself, when you don't covet for things that doesn't belong to you, when you just let nature takes its course, you wouldn't be heading for the road of no return & destruction.

星期一的呐喊

神啊，我已经到了我的极限。
我不想每个星期一都带着愉快的心情来上班，
然后又带着郁闷的心情回去。

每个星期一的呐喊，到底什么时候会结束？
还有三个月，还有三个月啊。。。。。。

但是过了这三个月，
还会有几个周而复始的三个月呢？
也许我真的该走进只有文字的世界，
远离那在“善良”面前乘机发疯的群众。。。。。。

收拾-丹女

她总在收拾。每隔几年，就得好好地、大大地收拾一回。收拾本身不难，坐在那里把东西分门别类，弄清楚哪些要带着，哪些要留下，她可以轻而易举地完成。收拾不了的是她的心情。

　 　你知道收拾了，你就远离这个地方。和这些人的关系就远了，淡了。久而久之，你们都将忘记彼此，忘记曾经存在的一切。尤其是在这样的社会，这样的环境，这 样的速度，有谁为谁停留一下？有谁为谁保留一点真诚？没有。真的没有。所以那天当第一个同事告诉她会想念她时，她愣了一下。她心里想：是真的吗？是客套话 吗？她好不容易才从齿缝间挤出一句：“我也会想念你。”然后，她觉得自己很恶心。

　　后来又有同事这样告诉她：“我们会想念你。”结果她真 的回答说：“真的吗？”毫不犹豫地反问。同事的脸上有错愕的表情。想念要费力气。遗忘不费吹灰之力。你忙着忙着，就什么都可以忘记。生活将推着你向前，根 本不让你有机会喘息，又何来机会想念？如果你想念着我，我又把你给忘在脑后，那我也会内疚的。不如都忘了干净。干干净净让每个人都过上新生活……

　 　收拾的时候，也是她停下脚步的时候。周围的人都忙忙碌碌，只有她坐在那里收拾，慢慢地收拾。然后事情总会那样，从哪个抽屉的角落，她发现了一张当年谁寄 来的卡片。从哪个文件夹的一处，掉落一张变了色的照片，上面是她当年合作无间的同事的影像，还有年轻了几岁的她。她们已经将彼此遗忘。她们都过上了没有交 叉点的新生活。

　　这种时候，她会愣在那里一阵子。想想生命真叫人心酸。都这么不着痕迹的过去了。生活还真像个centrifugal machine（离心沉降机）。以前她念大学的时候做实验，就用这个机器把悬浮在液体里的粒子分出来。那个机器转呀转呀，最后下面都是粒子沉淀物，上面出 现了干净的液体。她的生活便是经过这么几转，结果把朋友们都转掉了，剩下干干净净的自己。

　　其实她是个戏剧化的人。一边收拾，她一边 想掉泪；一边反问“真的吗？”一边眼眶发红。也不为谁，也不为自己，就为生命的轻飘飘。她喜欢剧场里的独白，尤其喜欢那种像是从心底深处发出来的声音。那 天她就在天台的月光下，自己来了段独白。“你知道我在想念你吗？你知道过了这么多年，我仍然想念你吗？”

　　然后，她的眼泪潸然落下。她闭上眼睛，感觉生命的沉重与深刻，她需要，她需要感觉生命的沉重与深刻。不是轻飘飘的，你真的留下什么给我了，我真的留下什么给你了。你们都存在，我也是。

(Through all these years, I have also learn not to look back & leave any feeling or memory behind & just look forward to whatever adventure & friendship that I will encounter in the future. The past is just the past, what is important is the present, that's why its called the "present".)

怀疑

最近，我开始对自己的能力有所怀疑。
当初，我进入这一行时，不是因为我喜欢小孩，
而是因为我热爱流淌在我血液里的中华语文与文学。

而如今，经过了九年的岁月与风风雨雨，
我还是无法敞开我的胸怀与热情去投入这一份工作，
有时候甚至对周围的小朋友感到很厌烦。

我这几年累积起来的爱，又渐渐转换成厌了。
由厌生爱，又由爱生厌，这种感觉不断地循环，
我开始失去热情与动力，我快被自己逼疯了。

在这辽阔的世界中，有没有我的容身之处，
有没有一个地方能够让我在不受到任何阻力之下，
尽情地发挥我的才能与本性呢？
我何必对着一群牛，在那里卖弄我的才能呢？？？？

神啊，我好压抑，好压抑，好难过，好难过。
求你赐给我丰盛的生命吧。。。。。。

Facade of life - what is reality?

Life is a facade, some things are not what it seems.

A friendly face, a warm smile,
but what is hidden behind the various faces,
what is hidden deep down inside the heart?
Our friendship may just be only a facade,
causing us to drift further away from each other.

A wall build between us, an unfriendly face,
but once the wall is broken down,
a true & genuine heart lies deep within,
& our friendship wil grow & blossom from this moment on.

Do you want to just live life as a facade?
Or do you want to know the reality, reveal your true self,
& build a deeper relationship with human beings, not only with god.
Even if you gets hurt in the process, god will surely heal your broken heart.

I'm tired of living life as a facade......
I'm tired of building a facade relationship......
I want to build something that is deep & meaningful,
something that will touch my heart & soul, & lift me uphigh into the sky......

(Argh, some self muttering that results in a terrible poem.....)

God works through people, not system.

Yesterday, I learnt at C1 that God works through people, not system.

Hence, no matter how efficient & effective a system is, if there is no good & inspiring leadership, the whole organisation will fail afterall as people are angry & demoralized & not motivated.

The other way round, even if a system is not in order, as long as there is a great man of god & people leading the organization, god will work a way out & everything will falls in place afterall.

This makes me think of C3, an organization which emphasizes alot on systems & processes, but is not getting the desired result. I believe it must have something to do with the leadership, who refuse to admit their own mistakes afterall......

This makes me ponders again whether I should stay or leave next year......Facing that bunch of xxxx, I'm not myself anymore, & I hate it & its really affecting how I see myself......

I can feel that I'm a candle, slowly burning out its light & passion. 70% of me is staying in this line now because of the money & bonuses. If C succeeds one day, I believe I will call it quits & not bother about those bunch of xxxx anymore......

下过雨的早晨

下过雨的早晨，我从睡梦中醒过来。
整个房间充满了雨丝的味道。
拒绝从温暖的被窝中爬出来。

下过雨的早晨，我带着被降温的愉快心情，
漫步走去买早餐，然后才去学校奋斗。
我闭着眼睛，舒展我全身的触觉，
用心去感受从我身边掠过的微凉的风。

下过雨的早晨，我惊讶地发现，
原来生活也可以这么简单。
只要不会饿死，有大自然的陪伴就够了。
那我又何必这么辛辛苦苦地赚这些不算多，也不算少的钱呢？

经营

经营一间店不容易，经营一段感情也不容易。
不过你还是需要花时间与精力去好好经营，
不然那间店肯定会亏本，
而那段感情肯定会平淡下来，
然后两个人越走越远，甚至背道而驰。

最近，我对感情的经营有很深的体会。
而在这里，我所说的感情包括爱情、友情与亲情。
而我今天很想说的就是友情。

有些人以为只要曾经是好朋友的话，
那个人永远会守候在你身边，
所以从来都不花时间与心思去经营这段感情。
可是有一天，当朋友觉得很累的时候，
他也会渐渐从你身旁离开。

有些人以为有了家庭与工作，就不需要朋友了，
所以把所有的时间与心思都花在工作与家人身上，
而只和那些他觉得很“方便”做朋友的人保持联络，
而当他离开那个环境后，便把过去的友情都抛在脑后了。

有些人就是不了解一段友情和一段爱情都是一样的-
朋友需要的也是你的时间、真心与付出。
友情的幼苗也是需要不间断的细心灌溉，
它才能茁壮成长，长成芬芳、令人心动的花朵啊！

那些和我渐行渐远的朋友们，你们是否“觉悟”了呢？？？
请你们不要把友情当成是理所当然的事哦。。。。。。

Its a pink Monday (粉红色星期一）

Today is a pink Monday(its not blue, hehe) for me, as it is a school holiday, & I don't have to subject myself to mountains of work & classes of screaming kids. I have already made a vow to myself not to work during days when I'm not in school. This is to maintain a sound mind & to get the priorities in my life right. Life is short, & thus the priorities in my life right now are as follow:

Number 1- God & only him alone.
Number 2- Boyfriend, future husband & family.
Number 3- All my true friends & those who made effort to maintain contact & build relationship with me.

I'm really glad that despite growing older in age, I still have many friends whom I can look for & go out with despite their commitments with work & family. Today, I went out with SW(who is married with a boy) & SL(who is still single). We went for a 1-1 lunch buffet at Orchard Hotel. It was of course a sumptuous meal & I enjoy our conversations very much as I got to learn about how other people in this world live their life & even subject themselves to certain kind of relationship & marriage life. Our conversations are fun, intellectual, sentimental & gossipy at the same time. When a group of Ts get together...........hahaha.

As I finish my day shopping alone at square 2 & buying a book & a gift, I start to think about some friends & some kind of friendship in my life. Something that Pastor said about friends still entrenched itself deep in my mind. And that is some friends are just "Friends of Convenience".

Now I understand why some flames of friendship will slowly die off & friends will slowly drift apart after they are not in the same organization or same social group. Many friends in our life are just friends of convenience. Once both of you are not in the same organization, not in the same kind of environment & circumstances, you won't contact each other anymore, you won't put in effort to meet up & maintain the relationship anymore.

And thus I find myself very blessed that I still have around 5-10 friends whom I can really count as my true friends, as both of us put in effort to meet up & maintain this friendship & I believe I can still count on them in whatever situations.

Disappointments in life

I find that after becoming a Christian, I have been more able to deal with disappointments in life and that I have been able to let go of many griefs & hurts in my life. I also do not yearn for recognition from man anymore & that I have more faith in myself & is not afraid of standing up for righteousness even if that means offending certain people & "spoiling" my own reputation.

Hence, when Pastor Mike came to preach again today, I can feel that my heart is quite empty & light as I do not have many issues & burdens that I need to lift up to god anymore. However, at the end of his preaching, when he told us to really open our heart again & to think about issues of disappointment in life, I start to think of 3 friends who have really disappointed me in the past 2 years. Ironically, we are all people of the same faith. As I think back of how close we used to be & how far apart we are drifting now, I just feel a sense of helplessness & nothing more, nothing less. Right now, I only pray that god will be able to get back for me what belongs to me & as for our friendship, I just lift it up into our father's hands......

台湾脚逛大陆-北疆与中亚

最近一直在追看从电缆电视录制下来的《台湾脚逛大陆》这个节目。因为连续看了好几集都是介绍北疆的景色与风土人情，所以突然对这个美若人间仙境的地方与它的少数民族的文化着迷不已，也从中认识了哈萨克与维吾尔这两个新疆的主要民族。

而我也从这个节目中认识了四界河这个地方，也认识了哈萨克斯坦这个国家。后来我又从一个蛮出名的博客(http://de-er.blogspot.com/)上认识了哈萨克斯坦及其他中亚国家。今天我又无意中在C的桌上翻出了一本去年的杂志，而里面有这样一篇文章：两个新加坡的年轻女子放弃了稳定的工作，花了七个月的时间，背包旅游了中亚的那几个国家。

我的心突然又蠢蠢欲动了。我相信这所有的讯息的接触并不是巧合。总有一天，我一定会从新疆出发，带着一颗敞开的心，脱掉所有世俗的捆绑，背着一个轻便的背包，和我所爱的人一起去探索这块神秘的土地。

这就是生活，这就是生命啊！我不要再为五斗米折腰了，我不要再迷失在金钱与物质的追逐中，放我去飞吧！！